Ask Amy: Fiancé ought to know if ex seeks to ruin wedding

FresnoAugust 1, 2013 

Dear Amy: I am thrilled to be marrying my beloved fiancé this fall! We are so excited. There's only one problem.

My ex, "Steve," broke up with me a year ago. It was not a happy relationship, but I loved him, and getting over him was hard. As soon as I got serious with my fiancé, Steve decided that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I have tried to be firm but kind in saying that it's out of the question.

Since then, Steve has said twice that he is going to crash the wedding. My response was casual but clear (obviously, that he shouldn't do it), because I don't want it to become a battle of wills. I haven't spoken with him since, but it would be in keeping with his personality to do it anyway.

I can't bring myself to talk to my fiancé about it, because I don't want to mar the anticipation of the day for him. Information about the wedding is not public, but there's a chance he could somehow find out the place and time. I have thought about hiring security or talking to male friends of his to talk sense into him.

I'm starting to have nightmares about all the ways this could ruin the happiest day of my life and ruin my fiancé's day. I love him so much, and I can't stand the thought of how it would make him feel.

— A terrified bride

Dear Terrified: You sign your letter as "terrified" and say you are having nightmares. You should not go into your wedding day without your future husband knowing about this risk. This falls into the "full disclosure" clause of the marriage contract. Wouldn't you want to know if your fiancé was wrestling with a similar issue?

Do not communicate further with your ex, and do not involve his friends or your guests.

Hire a professional, reputable security guard with experience. Provide a photo of your ex and ask the security person to politely, discretely and quietly escort "Steve" to the curb if he shows up. One low-key professional security person (dressed in street clothes) can take care of this — and any other issues that might arise at the ceremony or reception.

Dear Amy: I got a kick out of your reprint of a letter from "Under Pressure in D.C.," whose child still loved his blankie. One of my children (in college) still loves her "blankie." As a baby, she was my "Velcro" kid — attached to my hip. She needed to feel safe and secure more than my other children and uses her blankie to decompress.

— Secure mom

Dear Secure: These attachment objects can fill a void, and I agree it's not a big deal.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

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