Ask Amy: Daughter says mother needs mood correction

FresnoJune 11, 2013 

Dear Amy: We all have stories about hurtful things that parents can say to their adult children, but my mother seems especially clueless about this.

The thoughtful and kind person I talk to on the phone is a hateful, complaining drag in person. She has nothing but depressing, negative comments to share. Attempts to steer the conversation in a pleasant direction get turned toward negative things, and she will always find them.

My sister and I have both had experiences where we reached our limit while in her presence and either blown up at her or left in a huff. Mom always seems confused and hurt after the fact, even though at the moment she is threatening to "never speak to" us again.

I've attempted to diplomatically approach the subject, and this just turns into an argument because I am "picking" on her.

A recent row between my mother and sister has me (again) considering trying to explain things to my mom (perhaps in a letter, so she has to think about it before reacting.) What do you think?

— Distressed sister

Dear Distressed: If your mother's behavior has changed recently, and especially if she is confused or really doesn't remember lashing out, she may have a serious medical problem. Help her sort this out.

If she has always been this way, but you have reached the end of your tether, then definitely put this in writing. When you do, take extra care to explain exactly what your mother does that bothers you, your reaction to it and the consequences (i.e. "The next time you lash out at me, I'm not going to sit and argue with you; I'm just going to leave.")

Tell her that you are writing because you love her and want to have the best possible relationship with her. Ask her to get in touch in order to talk about it.

Dear Amy: The letter from "Mom" cracked me up. Mom told a tall tale about her daughter, who was cleaning up her friend's dorm room when a bottle of champagne mysteriously opened and spilled over the roommate's laptop.

I had to laugh. Evidently, those wires that hold a cork in a champagne bottle somehow mysteriously untwisted themselves, and the cork just popped out!

— Amused reader

Dear Amused: Most important, this mom was trying to clean up her daughter's sticky situation.

 

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

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