Dear Amy: More than 30 years ago my fundamentalist parents did everything they could to prevent my wife and me from marrying (we were atheists). My brothers either kept neutral or sided with my parents. My wife would have nothing to do with them after we were married.

My parents are now gone. My brothers have since tried to be nice to my wife, but she resists. I visit my brothers' families by myself.

I understand her position, but I feel she should at least try to be part of the family because they have been more welcoming.

-- Want peace

Dear Peace: One of the biggest challenges in family relationships is to grasp (and then truly accept) this reality: You cannot have people's relationships for them.

Sometimes you can influence or mediate between people to broker a sort of peace, but essentially (and unfortunately) the relationship is really controlled and maintained by the opposing parties.

What this means is that your wife can choose not to accept various olive branches extended her way. It may be your wife simply does not care. Not seeing them is one less unpleasant item on her list.

You can continue to try to encourage your family, and your wife, to come together. You can encourage each party to try harder (for instance, have your family members actually acknowledge what they did and ask for forgiveness? That would be a start).

You need to manage your anxiety over this. You cannot force her to see people; she cannot force you to stay away.

Dear Amy: "Helpless" reported that fellow diners were gossiping very loudly and using specific names and situations.

This happened to my husband and me. Our backs were to the obnoxious couple, so with a wink to my honey, I loudly detailed "news" of a disgusting ingrown toenail my elderly uncle had.

The loud gossipers didn't even slow down, so my clever man interrupted me with an urgently hushed, "Quiet! They're talking about Colleen and Rex! I wanna hear more." And with that, the idiots clammed up!

-- Worked for us

Dear Worked: I did this one time, too. I told a guy next to me (yelling into his cellphone about specifics about a high-profile government issue) that I had written everything down but just want to check the spelling. Sadly, I don't think he altered his behavior long term, but it sure felt good.