Dear Amy: I have a 20-year-old stepdaughter who lives with me and her mother.

My stepdaughter and her biological father had an altercation that occurred about four years ago. Since that time she has cut off all communication with him, even though he lives in the area.

She has refused to respond to his letters and gifts during these years. This past Christmas he didn't send her a gift for the first time.

Unfortunately, to my knowledge, her father has never apologized for his role in the altercation. He may not have the emotional maturity to do this.

My stepdaughter has refused to consider suggestions by her therapist and my wife to communicate with her father.

I am saddened and frustrated that she has cut this man out of her life after he spent much time and financial support in raising her. I think that a reconciliation would help her open her heart to everyone in her life, including herself.

She is very bright scholastically and has excelled in college.

Can you recommend a book on forgiveness that might be suitable for her?

-- Tom

Dear Tom: There are many, many books about forgiveness -- and every one I have ever read says: Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Forgiveness equates with freedom from the shackles of anger and resentment.

You don't mention what role you might be able to play in this reconciliation -- beyond your compassionate concern about it. You might contact her father to suggest he acknowledge his role in this estrangement. This would give his daughter an opportunity to exercise forgiveness and would give him the opportunity to ask for it.

Your stepdaughter should read "Dare to Forgive: The Power of Letting Go and Moving On," by Edward M. Hallowell (2006, HCI). This engaging book offers powerful testimony on the importance of forgiveness.

Dear Amy: I was saddened by the letter from "Angry," who couldn't understand why her kids were so forgiving of their father who had abandoned them.

My sister and I were abandoned by our father as well. Rejection is very hard to overcome. When rejected, we unknowingly seek out the rejecter and try to make him like us (look! we are lovable).

If this mother realizes they are operating out of hurt, it will not make her feel so slighted.

-- Rejected No Longer

Dear Rejected: I understand the tug of children trying desperately to know their father.